


Lesson Learnt Along the A30 Motorway

by asecretchord



Series: The Genesis of Harry [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-17 13:02:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/867840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asecretchord/pseuds/asecretchord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What does it mean to be gay in front of somebody? Harry grapples with that question on the way to Ottery St Catchpole.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lesson Learnt Along the A30 Motorway

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Snape_Potter Pride Challenge.

It was a long drive from Hampstead Heath to Ottery St Catchpole, made longer by Harry's silence. It wasn't the prospect of talking about his three years on the streets with Arthur and Molly that had his insides twisting. It wasn't even the slight possibility that one of the other Weasleys might make an unanticipated visit to the Burrow that had his heart pounding in his chest.

No, those would be easy—all things considered. It was Snape's quiet declaration that he wouldn't have sex with Harry until he was ready to stop hiding that had Harry's stomach tying itself into knots. Harry would rather walk up to a nesting Horntail and ask for an egg than be acknowledged as Snape's boyfriend. His partner.

His lover.

"Lover" meant sex. Sex meant....

Sex meant there were no convenient lies to hide behind, which Harry knew deep down inside was the height of foolishness. All he had to do was demonstrate the same amount of affection for Severus as he had once pretended to feel for Ginny. To show Severus the same amount of consideration that Draco gave Astoria. To act as though he wasn't deeply ashamed of himself for being undeniably attracted to men.

Thanks to Oliver Wood and the Daily Prophet, the whole of wizarding Britain knew Harry was gay. He hadn't had the luxury of deciding for himself when and how to come out, and the revulsion and disgust that followed had chased him out of his home and onto the streets.

Arthur and Molly had made it abundantly clear that they loved him anyway, regardless of how much damage Harry's outing had done to their family. It seemed apparent that they accepted the idea of Severus as Harry's partner, even as Harry grappled with it himself. He just didn't know how to be gay and be normal at the same time, though Severus thought he was enacting a Cheltenham tragedy about it.

"Stop chewing on your lip," said Severus for the fifth time that afternoon. "As I've told you already, you've nothing to worry about. I will not allow Arthur and Molly to smother you and I've already made it clear that your place is with me."

"I just...I'm not ready," said Harry, staring at the hands resting on his lap and picking at a cuticle.

"Shall I turn around?" asked Severus quietly. "We can put this off until you feel stronger."

Harry shook his head. He felt fine—frustrated, but fine. In the ten days since Draco had surprised him with a reunion with his friends, his emotions had swung from the highest exultation to the depths of despair and back again, sometimes within an hour. He'd been short-tempered and snappish or worse, near tears, and never knew from one minute to the next what would trigger the next outburst.

Mostly, though, he wanted to get laid.

"No. They'll just worry." Harry gnawed on his lip again. "They want me to come back, but I don't know, Sev. I'm happy working at Salazar's and I don't want to be 'that gay wizard', you know? Because that's exactly what will happen the second I set foot in Diagon Alley. If they even let me in, that is," he added sourly. He slumped down in the passenger seat. "I don't know what to do."

Severus glanced at him, his expression neutral. They both knew Harry was putting far too much pressure on himself at a time when he needed to step back and let events unfold as they would. No matter which road Harry chose, Severus would walk it with him. That was a given. He reached over and laced his fingers through Harry's, lending his support without saying a word.

Harry's eyes filled. "I'm so tired of being scared," he murmured, his voice thick. He squeezed Severus' hand and lifted it to his lips to press a kiss to the back of it before letting go. There were times when he was so frightened he couldn't put a thought together, but when those moments happened, Severus would give him something simple to do, a small chore that needed doing. His brain would quiet and his hands would stop shaking and he could draw a full breath without feeling as though he was about to choke on his terror. Right now, he would happily spend an hour washing salt and pepper shakers and let his mind go blank.

The tyres devoured the passing miles as though they were a packet of crisps, each one forgotten as it was being consumed. The closer they drew to Ottery St Catchpole, though, the more his heart hammered. His mouth was dry and his hands were cold as ice.

I'm not ready to be gay in front of them. But, as Severus had explained over and over again, his orientation would never change. And Harry loved Severus past imagining. He simply couldn't see falling in love with anyone else, and to be perfectly honest, he knew himself well enough to know that no one would ever be able to take Severus' place in his heart.

It wasn't as though Arthur and Molly expected them to fornicate in the living room. Harry knew what he had to do; it was simply a matter of finding the courage to do it.

"Harry..."

Snape's voice startled Harry and scattered his thoughts like fallen leaves in a high wind. Though Snape's eyes were fixed on the road ahead of them, Harry still felt pinned by his gaze. He never had been adept at hiding his emotions, especially when they were roiling under his skin until he was tempted to scratch at them to let them leak out.

"Do you trust me?"

"What?" Harry blinked. "What sort of question is that? You know I do, especially since you've asked me that before. You know more about me than anyone else, except maybe Draco, but I like to think you've kept some of my secrets."

"I've kept all of your secrets, except those necessary to allow Draco to treat you." Snape eased the car onto the A30 and gave Harry a sharp glance. "There is more to your agitation than speaking with Arthur and Molly about your period of homelessness, and I do not believe you are this anxious about deciding which of your many options you wish to exercise."

Harry's breath caught and his eyes stung. So it was to be tears this time. "I don't know how to stop hiding," he admitted in a throaty voice. "I want you to be proud of me. I want to be the right bloke for you, but it's hard, Sev. What if they stare at me? What if they're disgusted by me after all?" He removed his spectacles and scrubbed at his eyes, feeling like his emotions had been flying a hexed broom and he was about to be tossed from it.

"Idiot boy. Did you think I was going to throw you to the lions?"

Harry turned his head and stared out the window to avoid seeing the compassion in Snape's gaze. He'd been alone for so long that he didn't know how not to be. "You want us to walk into the Burrow as a couple," he murmured. "When I was with Ginny..." He gave an involuntary shudder; the memories were not happy ones. "She dragged me everywhere. Paraded, more like. We always had to be holding hands or have our arms around each other. She wanted hugs and kisses, and I gave them to her so she wouldn't think I wasn't interested in her."

He turned in his seat and faced Snape as much as he was able. "That's not me, Sev. I don't enjoy being the centre of attention. I'm not that demonstrative."

"Has it occurred to you that you weren't affectionate because you weren't with the right person?"

"I..." Harry stopped, feeling as though he'd just taken a Bludger to the gut. He dropped his head and found a loose thread on his soft jersey jumper to wind around his finger. "Sometimes I think I don't have the first clue who I am."

"How could you possibly?" replied Snape. "When have you had the opportunity to learn about yourself? At Hogwarts? After you defeated the Dark Lord? When you were destitute? When were you happiest, Harry?"

"With you," replied Harry without a moment's hesitation, and when Snape arched an eyebrow, Harry scoffed, "I'm serious." He let out a long breath. "You've no idea what it's like to have nobody you can count on, to know you're different in ways people can't begin to comprehend. It wasn't enough to be the Boy-Who-Lived; I had to be queer too. I'd been alone my entire life 'til the day I collapsed in your entryway."

Snape opened his mouth to say something, but Harry forged ahead. "I feel safe for the first time ever. I have a job I like, people around me who know I'm gay and don't care that I am, and I love you so much that sometimes my heart hurts. I know you're not about to chuck me out onto the streets because I know how you feel about me, that you love me too."

"Because I do, then you should understand I have your best interests at heart. My only expectation for this evening is leaving the Burrow with Arthur and Molly satisfied that you are being well cared for. As for the other..." Snape brushed Harry's cheek with the back of his fingers. "It will be no different from at Draco's. You need not worry that I will embarrass you or place any demands upon you. Given time, I expect you will come to discover that the trick to 'being gay' in front of Arthur and Molly is to be yourself. Remember two things: that you have nothing to hide and to hide nothing."

By the time they parked the car where the old Ford Anglia once stood, Harry's panic had abated and his nerves no longer felt shredded. He allowed his eyes to drift over Snape's body and openly admired the way his trousers sculpted themselves over the curves of his arse. He appreciated the way Snape's collared pullover emphasised the width of his shoulders and he felt the slow heat of arousal rush through his veins.

"I'm ready," said Harry quietly and slipped his hand inside Snape's as he knocked on the door. He was not Snape's lover yet—not technically—but maybe tomorrow he would be.


End file.
